


The Best Christmas Ever

by Fox1013



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-22
Updated: 2003-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1636721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox1013/pseuds/Fox1013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmastime in Lower Tadfield.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best Christmas Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Melannen

 

 

There are several things one has to know about Christmas in Lower Tadfield. 

First of all, the weather is perfect. Every single year, it snows on December twenty-fourth, not too deep to cause the adults anger or car accidents, but enough to let every kid on the block build a snowman, have a snowball fight, and go sledding. On the twenty-fifth, every tree in the neighborhood has a thin layer of white that makes it look like a fairy kingdom. 

Secondly, every house is decorated. Some have simple, tasteful chains of white lights. Others spread cover their perfectly kept lawns with North Pole workshops that would make Saint Nicholas cry like a little girl with a skinned knee. The electric companies have loved Lower Tadfield for the past fourteen years. 

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, the Antichrist is probably celebrating, and he has brought his friends. 

They all go to Anathema's house, formerly Anathema Device, now still Anathema Device, but several of the bills are addressed to Anathema Pulsifer anyway. Agnes would probably be spinning in her grave. Of course, she undoubtedly had known anyway, and made her peace with it a few centuries ago. But she'd probably be spinning anyway, just for the hell of it. 

Newt would, traditionally, cut the turkey, or the chicken, or whatever other meal the woman of the house chose to slave over for hours, but this is not a traditional house, and since the unfortunate Scanner Incident (which had been predicted by Agnes but, sadly, not avoided; they thought she was referring to the musical career of the Spice Girls), Anathema has strictly enforced an edict that does not permit Newt near any objects which could cause death, destruction, or the purchase of new, expensive computer hardware. So Anathema cuts the turkey and Newt applauds politely. 

Adam, at fifteen, is just as beautiful as he was as a child. After through the least painful puberty ever and glossing over several girlfriends, he finally gave in three months ago and is dating Pepper, who stubbornly maintains that she knew it would happen all along. And Adam, cheerful about his place as the boyfriend of the first girl goalie of the school's football team, just smiles. Wensleydale and Brian smile too, but sadly and somewhat sheepishly, and at each other rather than at the rest of the room. 

The rest of the room is not very many people, anyway. Newt and Anathema, of course, since it's their home, and Dog, who might as well be an 'of course', because Adam is there. After that, it's just a place setting for Agnes, who might as well be there anyway, especially since one of the prophecies in the new book warned Anathema to make sure the sweet potatoes didn't catch fire, allowing her to catch them just in time. Madame Tracy is all smiles and encouragement, settling comfortably in to watch the show. Anathema is certain that Agnes likes Madame Tracy. They seem like they'd get along famously. 

Shadwell, on the other hand, is constantly outraged, moving around the room like a man on a mission, but it's hard to be a Witchfinder Lieutenant (he promoted himself after the original Antichrist Fiasco, feeling he deserved it) looking for a Witch to burn when a self-professed Occultist is smiling at you from across the room and offering you more spice cake. 

He takes the spice cake, but continues to be outraged. 

Madame Tracy finds it hilarious. She and Anathema talk about it as though it's an old holiday joke, mostly because it is. Newt doesn't chime in, out of loyalty for the man who is, technically, still his employer in the witchfinder army, but he laughs just as loudly as the rest of them as they sit on the couch and talk about Shadwell as though he isn't there, like the time he attempted to count Anathema's nipples and found Newt in the shower instead. Newt blushes darkly at that, but Shadwell refuses to acknowledge them. 

He just mutters darkly about things back in the day, when blah blah blah witchfinders blah blah blah copulation blah blah blah witches, and then something about burning at the stake. No one takes him very seriously, anymore, as a witchfinder should probably also not be copulating with the woman he continues to refer to as the Whore of Babylon. 

Madame Tracy doesn't mind that. She thinks it's cute, and much more original than anything most men today would say. "It's a sign he loves me," she explained to Pepper once. "It's original. It's silly. And I know he's not just seeing ten girls and calling them all his Whore of Babylon. That's just for me." 

Pepper had shrugged. She was, at that point, just outgrowing the idea that she was a boy, or possibly a lesbian, and could think of several nicknames that were better than Whore of Babylon. Starting with Pepper. Any boy who didn't just call her by her name- or, worse, called her by her "real" name- was going to find out exactly how well she could fight, even despite the breasts she was forming. 

"It's true," Madame Tracy had said. "Mark my words. Some day you'll be begging a boy to call you his whore." 

Adam mostly calls Pepper "Pep". She's more than happy with that, thank you. 

But she still listens when Anathema and Madame Tracy talk. There's always the possibility of there being something worth hearing. Even if it's just a certain thing to do with your tongue that Madame Tracy says is foolproof and Anathema says is too hard. 

She'd talk to Adam, but whenever they visit Anathema, he's busy reading the book. He can't get enough of it. Even Anathema, professional descendent, is impressed by how long an otherwise normal fifteen-year-old boy can sit with an old, musty book, and how much he comes away with. Adam hasn't been surprised by anything in years. He always knows what's going to happen before anything does. He doesn't stop it, though. He's just there for the ride. 

"Which is how it should be," Crowley says quietly to Aziraphale. Neither of them has been seen by any member of the festive crowd, although both of them are pretty sure that Adam knows they're there. "Not good, not evil. He's just an ordinary boy. " 

"Pretty far from ordinary, as far as I can tell," Aziraphale says. 

And they both sit back, and eat the Christmas cookies Adam had thought to leave for them each year. They watch. 

And, like Anathema, like Newt, like Adam and Pepper and Wensleydale and Brian, like Madame Tracy and Shadwell and even Agnes Nutter, they celebrate. 

It's the best Christmas ever. 

Just like it is every year. 

 


End file.
